Donna's Journey

This is my response to a question asked by a friend on the yahoo group TJEDMUSE…

Dear, you are not alone. I read your letter and this is a struggle for many modern urbanites. Bear in mind, I am speaking generally about what I see and hear from mothers, and this may or may not apply to you.

> Time Management was a skill I did not learn as a youth due to a dysfunctional home (no one there really to teach me how to do it). I still struggle with it a lot. But I know that I am what I am because of my parents and it is my fault if I stay that way, so I am trying to improve in this area. But because I struggle with it, so do my kids.

Once upon a time, the demands of agrarian life imposed rhythms on us. People had to arise early to feed animals and care for them. Simple tasks such as bathing took time to draw the water from the well and heat. Laundry was taken to a stream and beat clean. Wood had to be cut and stacked or it would not be there when we needed it. In order to have a clean home and necessities provided on the Sabbath, the week got systematized. Monday wash day, Tuesday ironing day, Wednesday mending day…

Now we:

* Have hot and cold running water at the twist of a knob. We do not even need to wait to fill a tub, we can be showered, dried and dressed, before a tub can be filled
* Few of us have animals to care for, outside of house pets
* We can throw in a laundry load, pop dinner into the oven, and while those electronic slaves work, we can spend time with our family even head to the store if we need to, or perhaps read to a child
* Many fabrics are wash and wear, not needing ironing
* Many of us have gas or electric heat, it is run by a slave called a thermostat. For many of us there is no need to chop wood, except for ambiance.

What is the result? If there are no compelling reasons to structure one’s life, we tend to default and live by mood. Our great grand parents, more likely than not lived by rhythm rather than mood.

I see this lack of structure as a result of our society devaluing the core phase. Children from dysfunctional homes (what is normal? My daughter jokingly says, “I’ve seeeeen neeermal and it ain’t pretty!”) and children raised by caregivers in daycare, as well as, children whose parents were raised that way, are more likely to have these time structuring issues. Why? Simply because those situations are places where children are cared for, protected, and entertained, and less likely where they are engaged in a routine.

I see moms struggle to maintain a home and to home educate. When they are working on their home, they feel guilty because their children are being neglected. When they are focusing on school and the house is a mess, they feel guilty. I often see this with public schooled families, as well. Trying to make family and career work is a juggling act for many. Throw in a home business and you have an earthquake! There are solutions.

One thing to remember is that you can do it all, just not all at the same time. I believe that it is the structure of day in and day out family rhythms that provide the structuring of the time, that later academic success is built on. I call it the Ecclesiastes Approach, “1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven…” Yes, I feel you need flexibility to follow epiphanies, yet, after all is said and done, structure prepares the scholar! We often refer to different areas of study as disciplines.

I feel that if a child is engaged in life rhythms in their core phase (pre and early school years) that they will have the habitudes of mind to engage in the love of learning, and sky rocket into a diligent young scholar. Nowhere do I see this more than in family work, done by rhythm. A parent working with a child is likely to finish the task, and do so diligently. Day in and day out, week after week, month after month, year after year- an example of diligence and finishing being a goal, rings loud and clear. The child learns from example and that adults finish. The same goes for quality. I do not think of adults doing a slipshod job when working with children. I really feel that doing family work by rhythm helps discipline the mind.

Too often, I see homes run by mood, where the child does not feel like doing this or that, as it is too much effort compared to the alternative of being entertained. Or the parent only cleans when it becomes too overwhelming. I have also watched as parents in exasperation throw up their hands and send their kids to school to “get structure,” so they will actually get something done academically. What they do not realize is that the same things that lead to school success are the very same things that can lead to success in the home. Charlotte Mason spoke of education being “an atmosphere, a discipline, a life.” I really feel if the atmosphere of the home is chaotic and by mood, it does not usually yield diligent and disciplined minds. I am not talking about a rigid mind. I feel that somehow the atmosphere of a disciplined life somehow disciplines the mind for thinking.

Many bright students, who qualified for college got there, only to waste their time, distracted by the endless array of distraction and activities, and end up either quitting or failing. A youth who has lived a disciplined life is more likely to rely on rhythms that have served them. I see the lack of self discipline, and the lack of study skills, shows. I find it hard to believe that a youth that has never studied more than an hour, our even four, would somehow be transformed into a diligent scholar the moment the parents leave him at the university door step.

> I’d love to get some input from those of you who feel you have a handle on structuring both your time and your kid’s time and how you teach them to manage their time.

I have fought through some of these issues myself. I have watched these tendencies in myself and among my own. I have also seen what family work and rhythms can produce in my home and family. I feel this is why it is so valuable to revisit and reevaluate all engagements that impede the structure and rhythms of a home. I know the toll that running a family business can take on home life. These few things can go a long way:
* Check the Pulse by self evaluating and counseling with the Lord- helps us see what needs to go, what needs to stay
* Counsel with spouse and family
* Adjusting and working towards rhythms that are ideal for your family is important.
This is dynamic and needs to be revisited often. Running a home is huge. Home education is huge. To combine them it helps to develop a discipline of personal and family rhythms. Throw in a home business or other demanding activities (or distractions) and you can get by for a while, but sooner or later you will need to consider the orchestration.

A simple structure is best. I do not believe in over structure or planning every minute. We all need margins in our life for epiphanies to be more abundant.

Life no longer gives us rhythms. We get to choose them. They are not prison bars, but rather like a default setting that we do unless something important causes us to do something else. Then when the important passes, we pick up our rhythm where we left off. If our present default is not working, perhaps it is time to revisit it. If our children lack structure in their studies, ask ourselves how we have prepared them to have a well disciplined mind. I believe that helping our children have structure in their lives, is part of sowing seeds of greatness in them.

It is time to check the pulse here! A great activity for Sunday.

I was once asked, in an Oral Defense, if I thought balance was a true principal. I spontaneously blurted out, “No!” Then I realized I would have to defend my odd position, because most people think it is. Could I?

Where there is no vision, the people perish… Proverbs 29:18

I envisioned, in my mind’s eye, a balance or a scale where one tries to make things equal. That applied to life would be nuts. I decided that if I were to live my life by the straight jacket of balance, I would be living by the flesh of my own arm and would preclude epiphanies and flexibility. All things are not of equal value. All relationships are not equal. Even all good things are not of equal value. We have to make choose.

I can see my dear Stake President placing sand in a bottle to represent all the little things we need to do each day and then he tried to add balls of many sizes to represent all the good things we try to juggle. It did not all fit. So he poured it all out and added the big things and then poured in the sand and it did not all fit. Then he said that it was not all supposed to fit. We have to choose. That is huge. Oh, wait, this is a principle, we are free to choose!

Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and call things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself. II Nephi 2:27

This life is so grand, there are many good things to choose. We are as children in a candy shop, really. Every choice is a trade off. Will we choose to trade off long term happiness, for short term easy, or pleasure. Life is so short and eternity so long. “Oh be wise, what can I say more?”

Last weekend I got out the talk Mothers Who Know. I had shared with my future son-in-law, Rory, how as a young mother President Benson had spoken to husbands and wives in a talk, to the Mothers in Zion, and how it changed my perspective and the course of my life. He then mentioned Julie Beck’s talk and he said he needs to read both. That led me to reread Benson’s talk and listen to Julie Beck’s talk. I listened to that talk, over and over again.

Julie Beck reminded me that :

“Mothers Who Know Do Less

Mothers who know do less. They permit less of what will not bear good fruit eternally. They allow less media in their homes, less distraction, less activity that draws their children away from their home. Mothers who know are willing to live on less and consume less of the world’s goods in order to spend more time with their children—more time eating together, more time working together, more time reading together, more time talking, laughing, singing, and exemplifying. These mothers choose carefully and do not try to choose it all. Their goal is to prepare a rising generation of children who will take the gospel of Jesus Christ into the entire world. Their goal is to prepare future fathers and mothers who will be builders of the Lord’s kingdom for the next 50 years. That is influence; that is power. “

I think this principle of less is more, is one found in current decorating trends and even fashion, but not in our lives.

So, if balance is not a correct principle, what do I feel is? Harmony and Rhythm. Harmon is an agreement or pleasing arrangement. Rhythm, according to American Heritage Dictionary, is “Movement or variation characterized by the regular recurrence or alternation of different quantities or conditions: the rhythm of the tides.” I feel true harmony begins when we counsel with the Lord in all our doings and hearken to the guidance we sought. Sustainable rhythm can happen when we submit our default routines to God.

Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good; yea, when thou liest down at night lie down unto the Lord, that he may watch over you in your sleep; and when thou risest in the morning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God; and if ye do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last day. Alma 37:37

Like Martha I feel that I am too often “careful and troubled about many things.” Sometimes I just shut down and check out, as a result. That is when being busy is Being Under Satan’s Yoke. Life then slips into crisis mode and can be held hostage to the urgent but unimportant. Mary on the other hand chose that which was needful.

In those moments of powerlessness and overwhelm perhaps it is a do-it-yourself kit. Arising early helps me examine my life with clarity not found once the day adds its distractions. If I get my vision for the day I am more likely to be resolute, when urgent but unimportant things arise. I am also more likely to not slip into the oblivion of non-urgent, unimportant things that waste my time and suck my energy for little or no return.

How will I promote harmony and rhythm?

Cease to be idle; cease to be unclean; cease to find fault one with another; cease to sleep longer than is needful; retire to thy bed early, that ye may not be weary; arise early, that your bodies and your minds may be invigorated. Doctrine and Covenants 88:124

I feel that the number one thing that derails rhythms is poor sleep habits. When I retire late, I tend to either:
* arise late and have less time and no vision and therefore am very ineffective.
* Arise on time but am not at full steam and still work less efficiently.

Where vision is lacking, overwhelm is not far behind. Creativity blocks arise. Epiphanies are drowned in the crisis’ that beset, many which are unimportant.

So, I have retired too late too often, as of late. It has sent my life into the cycle of crisis. The blessed Zone of Harmony and Rhythm takes about a week to straighten sleep cycles before full productivity can even be contemplated. Naps would not hurt either, while my wrists are healing.

Drums please / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \/ \

Mentoring Our Own reached the benchmark of 1000 members, yesterday. It took three and a half years to reach 400; from 2002 January to 2005 May. Another year to double, and we have continued to grow even after discussion has ceased, and has turned into a TJEd Bulletin Board and Epiphanal Living Journal. BTW, a new issue is in the making.

Thank you all for making this possible!

Dear Friends,

The new issue of Epiphanal Living is posted in the file section of Mentoring Our Own featuring:

Statesmanship and the Holidays (incorporating her central canon into
her holiday observance) Jody Jarvis

Salting Their Oats, 10 Ways to Inspire, Not Require by Donna Goff

Scholar Tip– Creating A MAP by Donna Goff

Liber League Guest– 6 Key Tools For Every Student by Allen Levie

Money Muse News– Tracking Elusive Prey: Pesky Petty Purchases by Janine Bolon

A Momschool–The Genesis of a Princess Club by Kelli Poll

Healthy Tip by Alix Schmid

Off the Shelf– Why Bother? By Christine Elkington

In the Trenches and Sharing the Joy– A Letter From a TJEd Mom by Shelly Timmerman

Call for articles.

Please enjoy the current issue in the file section on Mentoring Our Own.

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/MentoringOurOwn/

It has been a very uplifting week. On Tuesday I got to listen to an Apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ, Elder Richard G. Scott, speak on To Learn and to Teach More Effectively. This morning I printed off the talk so I and my family could revisit the lessons and annotate what the spirit speaks to us.

Last night was Stake Conference and it was powerful. First their were testimonies by those who wanted to share on what people learned from teaching and being taught. Then we were taught by our Stake President Randall Hall on teaching and learning. He encouraged us to read and study the transcript of the World Leadership Conference from earlier this year (which, I might add, was part of our last Stake Conference), and he quoted a talk by Elder Bednar, Seek Learning by Faith. We had audio visual difficulties so he called two of the men out of the congregation to roll play the interview between Elder l. Tom Perry and Elder Boyd K. Packer. He taught how the Spirit uses both the mind and the heart to teach us. He suggested that we search and discuss the scriptures associated with mind on one Sunday afternoon with 3 or 4 people and the scriptures associated with heart on the next Sunday afternoon. He also shared from Elder Scott’s talk, as well. President Hall quoted that the worst kind of teaching in the classroom s the talking head lecture, and that learning is not a spectator sport. He was a dynamic teacher. I look forward to this morning’s session.

Punctuated by these two great teachers, I was fed all week by a series of wonderful teachers, teaching the things that I needed to learn. The Spirit was kind enough to draw attention to words, phrases, and ideas that I needed and that I was to pay closer attention to. I am so grateful.

We have a family tradition. Every year, all who are old enough to attend, go to BYU Education Week, Tuesday through Friday, all day. So, this year Roger, Julia, Jennifer, Jeremy, and I attended. James stayed home with Mary. James will be able to attend in two years. By that time, Mary will be almost 11 and she can join us on campus and bring a book or had work to do, while we are in class and enjoy time was us in between. It does my heart good to see my children want to go, and to choose a wide variety of classes, enjoy them, and speak with earnestness of how they were inspired. This is just the most perfect kick off for the new school year!

Being- Studied I Nephi 14 and 15. Chapter 15 has the key to learning,: “Have ye inquired of the Lord?” When I read a book, attend a lecture, struggle with a relationship, or try to learn in any way, my prayer is that I might be blessed to learn those things that the Lords would have me learn at this time. Then the epiphanies come. Asking is a key. When Nephi’s brothers, Laman and Lemuel were asked the question, they responded “We have not; for the Lord maketh no such thing known unto us.” I think that they expected the Lord to just pour out knowledge and understanding. On the other hand Nephi and his father ahd both been diligent in inquiring of the Lord. Nephi’s response, ” Do ye not remember the things which the Lord hath said?—If ye will not harden your hearts, ask me in faith, believing that ye shall receive, with diligence in keeping my commandments, surely these things shall be made known unto you.” So Nephi then delineates some other keys:
1– Harden not your heart
2– Ask in faith, believing you will receive
3– diligently keep the commandments
So as we study and learn, we have epiphanies or impressions of wht we need to learn and do, and when we obey and follow through on these epiphanies and impressions, we get more epiphanies.

Oh, boy today went crazy! Just as we were swinging into the day, I got a phone call from a woman I met three summers ago. She is a daughter of a family in my ward. She saw my stained glass “Tree of Life.” Three years ago, she mentioned that she would like me to make a Fine Art Religious Art piece for her new home. A year later her mom brought it up and said she was still interested. Last Easter she was visiting and said that her home would probably be done in May. She called today. She asked for a bid and what the retainer would be. We spoke twice this morning. She knows I am in graduate school and the next 90 days will be intense. So, it looks like I will be doing a 65 x 65 stained glass piece of “The Parable of the Ten Virgins.” Breathe Donna…………………………

I worked on doing a personal profile for my Inner Wealth program. It was pretty detailed. It took a few hours.

I received a phone call from one mother, and an email from another, who want me to get my materials together and do a workshop on my Princess Academy.

I started reading Mary Queen of Scots, to my Mary.

Discussed with Erin Reynolds, Director of Distance Studies, my graduate studies this semester and my next step.

Ate healthy today. Did my exercise. Drank water. Discussed with my children. Read a chapter of the Hobbit.

Goodnight.