Neverland and Leaving It
This morning my friend Lori posted a link to this article on Facebook”The Basement Boys: The Making of Modern Immaturity” by George F. Will. (Published Mar 8, 2010 by News Week). I read this article and responded to it on Facebook by saying:
Thanks for posting this. Think of what this has done to families. All these Peter Pans- the forever young mantra is just another way to say “I’ll never grow up.” Another thing we forget about Peter Pan and his lost boys, is there was no father or mother present. He sought a surrogate mother in Wendy. Could it be the outsourcing of our young to “care givers” is the very thing that leads to Peter Pans? Placing boys in care of Wendy Darlings? Thus, giving roll models to girls of being in charge and to young boys of being cared for and tended? Just a thought.
Here, I consider the topic further…
My generation was the first generation in peace time to willing go into the work force, in mass for personal fulfillment, outsourcing their children to a cadre of mostly female caregivers. From as early as 6 weeks of age, babies are outsourced to daycare providers (mostly women) and elementary schools where a majority of teachers are woman. This was complicated by a high divorce rate, leaving children fatherless. Our parents generation had an absenteeism of fathers and mothers due to war; the men away fighting and the women away filling their husband’s place in the work force. There was no one left to check the female influence in raising boys. What about sports? Really? Did we think that placing boys in a group with a male coach (surrogate father), where the world revolves around them playing, would somehow replace the loss of fathers?
What about the girls? Our daughters are cared for by predominately female care givers from birth into college. The message is that women are in charge. Or are they? Remember, Wendy Darling though a surrogate mother to Peter and his lost boys, was none the less still a child and a dependent, without the full responsibilities of adulthood and her own care. How does this play out in modern life? Many women struggling to be single parents, look to government for financial support and even union and legal protectionism for their care. They also shift their maternal responsibilities to surrogates. So, though girls may reach the age of majority and move out, and go to college, and then the work force, they are dependent, as well.
The reality is, people were duped. We bought the propaganda. We bought into the culture. Women were promised they could have it all. Yes, but not all the time. Universities swelled after the war to meet promises made- the GI bill. Once built they needed to keep filled. America was raised up on the idea of go to college, get a career, then retire. Well, when the first takers came close to claim their retirement, many were met by lay offs, a bait and switch. Before this realization the impression was planted that college was a rite of passage, the next step. Yet, for many a career never materialized. Those that did get the career step, it became their life. Reality check- preparation for a career is not preparation for a whole life. Families suffered, and children were often the ones left in “Neverland.”
The result of this bizarre “Neverland” is that we are neither raising men or women. We are raising a nation of dependents to live in their own adolescent world, where they live by mood and wants, where the world revolves around them. Eventually to follow their parent’s example to pursue fulfilling of their own desires at the expense of family and society. The self indulgent path we have chosen is not preparing our sons for adult responsibilities of marriage and fatherhood, instead it is feminizing them. We are not raising daughters to be prepared for adult responsibilities of marriage and motherhood.
Stop this carnival “Neverland” merry-go-round, we need to get off!
Ever the optimist, I believe we can turn things around. We just have to choose to. We need to, as my son-in-law, Rory, says, “Oh, grow up!” We need to make better choices. We may need to gain skills and knowledge that we thought were menial and unnecessary. We need to take personal responsibility. We were used to outsourcing parenting, because we really did not value it. By the financial compensation we gave these surrogate care givers, we did not value them or our children, either. America may have had good intentions of “giving” their children the best, by willingly outsourcing them to others. Somehow this also translated into going in debt for more things. Which in turn has enslaved us to this horrible state we find ourselves, a state of dependency. To get off this “Neverland” ride, we will need to take responsibility, make sacrifices, make tough choices, and curb our appetites. Do with less, so we can have more of what really matters. Stop choosing to be dependent on surrogates and on the surrogate parent, the state. It is time to rethink. It is not too late in the game to institute a different strategy.
We will need to let go of our “Neverland” popular culture and come to grips with the fact the leaving our children to “the village” to raise, was not such a bright idea, after all. Though our intent may have been good, we need to see what our children really need most. In the end, what our children need most is us. We can pull together as families and grow out of this together. As we heal our families and begin to raise our children for a full and whole adult life, we will see our communities and our nation heal as well.